Hoping Never Hurts
by Ittoki Otoya
Summary: Otoya has always been used to just showing the side of him that everyone would like, the positive and always smiling side of him. The day that his roommate accepted the negative side of him changed their relationship with each other bit by bit by the day.


[[ AUish so it isn't completely in character.

I got lost near the drama part in the end….I barely know what I'm writing so the ending probably isn't the bes. Going to edit it once I think of a better one. ]]

Getting Tokiya to communicate with me was just pure hard. I wanted him to hang out or at least for us to try to get along. He is much too serious and stoic, fun never seems to exist in his head at all. It was almost like he was a robot that strives to do everything as perfect as he can.

Conversation was really hard to make but there was no way I was going to give up. I admit that talking to Tokiya is really hard when he plain ignores me half the time when I talk to him, the other half being spent on being angry or annoyed by me.

I just wanted him to open up and get along together, we are roommates after all. As much as I admire his singing, Tokiya is still very much my rival. But even if he is my rival, it would not hurt to be friendly to him. It was just not in my nature to not try to talk or be nice to people, even if they do not like me.

It was pretty obvious that Tokiya really dislike it when I have any physical interaction with him, but I could not control how I act when I just get over physical with people. To me hugs were nothing much, although the opposite could be said for Tokiya.

Tokiya is more of a loner, someone who does things by himself while I enjoy other people's company. It is a careless habit of mine for me to get too close to people without realizing that I had gone over the line for their personal space.

I often do that to Tokiya and get him irritated by me because of that. I break his concentration too much too, he finds that I am way too noisy which I have to admit when I think about it. I do sing at random times and shout without noticing sometimes, so I can not exactly blame Tokiya for thinking that way.

That did not mean that I was not hurt when he is annoyed and explode sometimes. Trust me, never get Tokiya mad enough to explode on you…..he is scary when he does. You would never want to experience that….

I never learn though and continued to try getting him to open up but to no avail. Tokiya helps me if I beg him though; just that I tend to fall asleep when he starts lecturing me for long minutes. The punishment from him was….really harsh and I really regret falling asleep on him.

But I cannot help it that he bores me when he start going on and on about classes. Just looking at a desk when I am studying puts me to sleep. Tokiya is regardless a great help though, when he is not using the non-practical method to teach me.

I do enjoy the times when he does converse me though, the chances are really rare when he takes the initiative to talk to me that does not involve him trying to scold me about something like me being too noisy or the room being too messy.

I have a bad habit of tackling sometimes when he comes back and that often earned me a scolding from him about personal space not being in my dictionary. I seem to get too close for his comfort and that was rather bad when I tend to just do things without thinking usually.

Tokiya does smile sometimes, unlike popular believe that he forever keeps a stoic face. When he finish writing a song that he seemed pleased about, the corners of his mouth would curl up just this slightly. Not really that obvious, but still viewable.

I admire him greatly, even if he treats me as a rival. He was the most hardworking person that I ever know and there is not a moment when I see him slacking around. I fear that he might actually collapse one day because of it.

It was Mother's Day today and seeing people going around wishing their mothers and discussing what they got their mothers bother me. Mine died when I was just a kid and I barely even have any memories or recollection of her.

I was hiding on my bed with the blankets covering me as I tried not to cry. No one likes to see a sad and not smiling Otoya anyway. It is always better when I smile and end all energetic like nothing ever gets me down.

I would listen to other people's problems but when it comes to my own, I keep it all bottled up to myself. People were all asking me about what I had gotten my mother and if I had greeted her yet. How was I suppose to when she's dead? She has been dead for more than ten years now.

Visiting her grave was possible but I barely even do that since the Orphanage did not exactly like taking me out when I was younger. Mother's Day was usually spent like a normal day there while the other kids sobbed about why they were all alone.

Being one of the oldest kids, I had to pretend that everything was alright and smile as I cheered them up. Closing my eyes, I allowed my tears to fall as I clung to the blanket closer. Tokiya would not care but I still did not want to risk the chance of letting him see me like this.

That would just give him trouble and I do not want to be disliked. As long as I am my usual bright self, people would like me more. They would not like a depressed and mopey Otoya at all. I have to be always warm and friendly and hide all the darkness I have to myself.

There are times when it just hurt too much and today is one of the days that affect me the most. I want to be like everyone else, to be loved by their parents and to be able to spend time with them. Be able to be sad when I want to, someone to spoil me and cheer me up when I need them to.

The door opened and hearing footsteps, I covered myself with the blanket more and silently willed that he would not see me and leave me alone. Against my wishes, Tokiya tried to tug the blanket away from me and I frowned, tugging it back to cover me.

I heard a hiss coming from him as he gave the blanket a hard tug and it fluttered to the floor. Giving up, I looked down and tried to stop the tears from continuing to fall. Just when I thought he would leave me alone, he spoke up. "Otoya…..? Are you crying?"

I shook my head and sniffed. "It's just your imagination, I'm not crying."

My head was tilted up, my vision blurred by all the tears, making me unable to see his expression at all. "Otoya, that's an obvious lie. Tell me what's wrong."

I swatted his hand away and turned away, wiping the tears away from my eyes before turning back to him with a plastic smile. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

He was frowning, this time I was able to see his expression with the tears being wiped off. "Don't lie. And don't smile when you don't feel like it."

I could not take it and snapped, the tears flowing once again. "But everyone likes a happy and smiling Otoya. Who wants to see a down and unenergetic Otoya? No one wants such an Otoya, only a smiling and happy Otoya is wanted. As long as I smile, everything will be alright right? Why are you asking when you don't even care, Tokiya?"

An angry growl escaped his lips as he smacked my head painfully. "What is that suppose to mean? If I didn't care, I wouldn't be asking you right now do I? And there's nothing wrong with not smiling when you're not happy. You shouldn't be forcing yourself to smile when you don't feel like it."

I was tired, so very tired. I just wanted to be needed and happy, a reason as to why I exist. Tokiya was going to be mad but I would deal with that later. Right now, I just want a little bit of comfort. I just fell in front and clung to his shirt, sobbing quietly.

Unlike what I expected, Tokiya did not push me away and returned the embrace awkwardly for a few seconds before he rubbed one of his hands around my back and the other patting my head. I leaned into his touch and tightened my grip into a hug before opening my mouth to speak. "My mother passed away on a plane crash when I was really young and I had been living in the Orphanage after that for as long as I could remember….. Whenever we cry, the people there would scold us and tell us not to give them any more problems as the other children will start crying too. Soon, I began to close up all my problems to myself and just smile no matter what. That way, no one would be troubled and everyone would be happy right?"

The patting increased before it disappeared and I whined at the loss of it. I was surprised when a pair of arms wrapped around me and a head rested on top of mine. "If you think that way, you can talk to me when you're down. I'm not as coldhearted as you think I am you know? I can understand why you think that way too… My mother was always away at work and my father abandoned us and left. You can almost say that I didn't even have any parents at all? I was always alone and it became a habit for me to do things by myself. I guess our background are similar, we just turned out differently. I turned to rely on myself and prefer to be alone while you try to seek attention, because you want to know why you exist. I distract myself about things instead….."

Tokiya was warm and really soothing. I could smell his scent when I breathe and it was calming me down as I listened to his words. It was strange, I did not think that Tokiya would be this warm….. Maybe because he understood me, he's giving me a place to let loose my negative emotions.

My eyes were closing by themselves as I shifted closer to his touch. "You're willing to let me show you the side of me that isn't smiling and you would like me for that? You're not going to leave me alone because of that?"

The head resting on mine moved away and he patted me once again. Now that his head was not resting on mine anymore, I could look up and watch his expression to see if he means it or not. He was about to speak till his gaze matched mine and a really faint and soft chuckle could be heard for a few seconds before he ruffled my hair, earning a pout from me. What was funny?

"You know you're really cute when you're showing this expression? It reminds me so much like a puppy. Don't worry, my views on you wouldn't change because of such a thing."

My face heated up at the comment, I was not cute! I wanted to deny it but after all he had done for me, I simply brushed it away instead. "So you're just going to continue hating me then?"

Tokiya appeared to be surprised by my words and I wondered if that was not the case? He always seems mad and displeased by me after all. I found myself blushing for the second time when he kissed my forehead before flicking it with his finger. "When had I hated you? I admit, I disliked you since you reminded me of Hayato and you're noisy and messy. I couldn't help liking to hear you sing, it's always really gentle and warm with your feelings. Your songs help to warm people up and they're filled with your heart unlike mine."

"You don't hate me then?"

I could not help but ask him that hopefully, maybe we could start to get along better now. He nodded his head and flicked my forehead again. I yelped and rubbed my forehead, pouting as I attempted to poke him. A very faint smile appeared on his face before it was replaced with his usual expression. "Now get some sleep, you look like you need it. Although I'm going to miss the quieter version of you when I wake up."

I huffed at the tease and glared before looking down to rethink my actions. Tugging at his sleeves, I tried my best to give him the cutest face I could think of. If he finds me similar to a puppy, I should look like one then. I was not sure if puppy-eyes would work on him or not but you never know till you tried. "Can I sleep with you tonight? Just tonight?"

I nearly jumped out in joy when he sighed and nodded his head, instead choosing to glomp him. He managed to catch me easily and I was tugged towards his bed in just seconds. "Just this once, Otoya. Don't expect another chance like this again."

I smiled and wrapped my arms around him before closing my eyes and allowing myself to relax and fall asleep. I was overdoing it that much I was aware of, if Tokiya had pushed me away; I would have let him go. But since he did not do that, I shall just enjoy his warmth just this once and allow myself to show this part of me to him.

After that, Tokiya was much more forgiving towards me and lets me cling to him sometimes, never lasting more than a minute. The times are still rare but at least he talks to me more now. I could get him to eat with me if it was the two of us, a group one is still a big no no.

He would glare at me when I invite him to eat with the others during lunch and disappear to some unknown place after that. We eat breakfast together in the morning with Tokiya normally waking me up and the food already prepared or bought by the time I'm done with my shower.

How does he manage to wake up so early after coming back so late always baffles me but he just brushes it off that I am just plain lazy and hard to wake up. At least now I no longer have to worry about being late for class, Tokiya makes sure I wake up on time.

He tends to lecture me on not waking up on time when he wakes me up and I would listen to it quietly as I pout. He treats me like a child sometimes, often commenting that I was like a puppy or a kid. I am not that immature! At least I know how to clean up myself without him telling me to.

The rivalry thing that he has against me seems to have disappeared since he is much more willing to help me with my homework now. Tokiya helps me even when I did not ask, especially when I perform too badly and he could not bear watching it any more.

That often occurs with me having really harsh training; he would not stop till I do it up to his standards. Tokiya is really strict; do not turn to him for help unless you are desperate. I do not have much of a choice when he's my roommate, even though the faint pleased smile I get from him when I do it well makes me happy and feel that all the effort I put in is worth it just to see it.

He would even throw in some praises if he really finds that I do a good job on it. Those are really rare and they often make me grin like an idiot when he does it. I like the small gestures he shows me too, a small pat on the head and shoulder is good enough for me. I know better than to expect much from someone that dislikes physical interaction.

He even lets me text him regularly when we are not together in the room, even when he's off in his secret part-time job. He would send me a long text message reprimanding me when I text him during lessons time about how I should be paying attention when my written exams aren't that well done.

People cannot tell that we actually get along though, since he often turns me down when I ask him to eat with us and stop me from clinging to him when I see him in school. He would just look at me blankly and walk off, texting me to apologise for it later when he have the chance.

I was aware of the reason why, making me not minding it much. Surprisingly, Tokiya gets embarrassed easily and I found out some of the ways that would make him blush. It was always fun to see him all flustered by my actions. I think he believes that I am not aware of my actions since he had never yelled at me over it before.

I was fine with not eating lunch with him when we at least eat breakfast together. We would have dinner together if he is not working at his part-time job that I still have no idea of what it is. I would pout and beg, but he would still shake his head and refuse to tell me.

Whenever he comes back from it, his mood would be really bad and he becomes even colder than he usually is. He does smile at me when he realizes that I am awake but he goes back to being gloomy once he thinks that I am asleep.

It was really upsetting to see him like this, especially when he refuses to tell me anything. No matter how much I asked, he would just brush it off as nothing and change the subject. I really want to know what is bothering him, he cheered me up back then and I would like to return the favour.

Half of the time I fall asleep before he gets back and by the time I wake up, Tokiya is already awake and he even has breakfast prepared. Does he even get enough rest and sleep when he sleeps later than me and wakes up earlier than me?

My attempts to stay awake till he gets back and to wake up early always end up in failure. If Tokiya does not come back too late, I would be able to stay awake long enough to welcome him back before I collapse and fall asleep.

Waking up before him seems to be an impossible task. No matter how hard I try to get up early, he would always be a step earlier than me. It really worries me that Tokiya would collapse one day with how little rest he gives himself.

During the days that he does not work, he would put all his attention to practice and studying. Tokiya is always really hard on himself, much more than on any one else. I learnt not to complain when he is harsh on me when I know full well that he's much harsher on himself.

A perfectionist was what he is; you could see it in everything he does. From how he conducts himself, everything must be done in best condition. Even his grooming must be good, he does not expect anything less for himself. It bothers me when he starts calculating the calories of the meals we have though.

But thanks to him, what I eat is usually healthy if he takes care of it. Behind his back, I tend to snack on tidbits and chocolates. The curries that I like eating are a no to him too. He would tell me how the calories are high and how unhealthy they are. This made me relieved that I actually do not eat lunch with him; otherwise he would restrict me from having a meal that is something I love.

The meals that Tokiya make me eat are alright sometimes, but most of the time they tend to be mostly vegetables and bland food stuff. He would tell me how they are healthy and being an idol, I should start watching my weight.

He even forces me to eat the green peppers that I hate too. Once a week, Tokiya would make sure that I eat them. The method he uses to get me to eat them are just plain cruel and my tastebuds would die every time it happens.

Occasionally he would let me eat snacks with him, but that is really really rare. Tokiya hardly even touch much of them, insisting that he could not afford to consume that much calories and preservatives. He would at most eat one chocolate bar or other small snack while ensuring that I do not stuff myself with them.

I suspect that he knows that I snack behind his back when I find dinner mostly filled with vegetables when I do and the amount of green peppers he makes me eat increases. Even if everything he does is for my own good, I still feel that he should just enjoy himself for once.

He never ever relaxes, no matter what I say to him. I tried persuading him but nothing ever works. The only one time that actually counts as he relaxing was when I forcefully dragged him out on the pretext that I wanted to buy some new guitar accessories.

But even during then he ends up being serious, stocking up on even more books for him to study. At least I got him to leave them alone for a day, even if he goes right back to hitting the books the next day. I had dragged him to lots of places out of annoyance when he escaped to the bookstore while I was distracted.

Perhaps he felt bad about that and actually let me drag him around without a single word of complain. A stressed expression could be seen though and he was obviously forcing himself not to say anything about it.

I did enjoy myself even if Tokiya was not really pleased with it. His expression did soften from time to time when I watch him secretly; I spotted the slight curling of his mouth that was the closest thing I could get to a smile from him currently.

To make it better for him, I actually made sure to dine in a place that was alright by his standards. Fast Food are a big no to him, he would never eat anything from there, not even the drinks. Tokiya is really that watchful of what he eats, unbelievable is it not?

I guess I have him to thank for that my dieting is much healthier now and I do have more energy after he started watching my diet. I know that he puts in effort in the meals he prepares for me and I always show him that I know but flashing him a big smile.

Somehow, I do not think that he likes it though. He would sigh and look away when I do that, rubbing his forehead before urging me to eat. Was he embarrassed? I know that he is fun to tease, but when he turns the tables around; it would be something to be feared.

No matter how busy he is, he would always make sure that I do not get too distracted and finish my assignment on time. I have already grown used to his company so much that I really cannot imagine how life would be like without him once we graduate.

I bet I will end up oversleeping and back to having an unhealthy diet on curries and snacks again. Frankly, I do not fear the calories since I do not really care about them. Besides, I play soccer with Syo regularly; the calories would burn off right?

It was hard not to be over-dependent on him when he ensures that I do everything correctly. It amuses me how much of a perfectionist he is though, everything is in prefect order when he is around. We even have a fixed time schedule for our breakfast and dinner.

Everything is always on the dot, freakily by the second when we start eating. It is always exactly at that specific time when we eat, even the second is the same. He would look at his phone before starting the meal, not allowing me to eat even a second earlier.

The only time that is actually not on a fixed schedule is when he goes to bed. I suspect that he wakes up at a specific time though. I am still on the midst on figuring out what time he wakes up, but I just cannot get myself to wake up early.

I would end up staying in bed and refusing to open my eyes for a long time when I wake up early, making it impossible for me to find out. I would tell myself that I should open my eyes and wake up, but the warm bed always lures me back to bed. I would then fall asleep again till Tokiya wakes me up.

How exactly does Tokiya get himself out of bed when he gets so little sleep? I sleep more than him and I could never resist the urge to stay in bed longer than necessary but he is able to get up no matter what time he goes to sleep.

If you do not know him well, you would think that he is actually sleeping really well when he always look so serious and awake. I have never seen him yawn and I was suspecting that he is forcing himself not to do that. Would it be that hard for him to show the side of him that actually looks tired? Maybe I would get to see that one day.

Our relationship was getting better, he does not complain about me disturbing him in his studying anymore, letting me lean against him on his bed when he reads there. I would make sure to sit quietly and not move so much while listening to my music when that happens.

He even lets me hug him more now, only pushing me away when I cling to him for a long period of time. His cheeks would be a light shade of pink when that happens and I usually do that just to tease him as well as the fact that he feels really warm.

It is always comfortable and easy to relax with him, I feel calm whenever he is around. He gives off this easy to relax atmosphere when I am around him, like the feeling that you can depend on him. Maybe it is due to how much he looks after me that I feel that way.

I never did have someone tending to me so much before. Back at the Orphanage, the one that has to take care of other people is always me. Hard to believe, but I was indeed the one that took care of the younger children.

Perhaps that is why I have no clue how to look after myself because I do not know what I can do to make myself better. I would just do things that I like and enjoy more than if it is something that is good for me. Pushing my assignments aside is just a bad habit, and you could almost say that I am running away from my problems.

Like how much I hide my true self away from people, only allowing them to see the side of me that is always positive and happy and full of smiles. The sad and depressed side of me is always bottled up till Tokiya saw the me that day.

I was happy that he accepted me but that did not mean that everyone else would. I was unwilling to take the risk of exposing myself to the others. What if they stop being friends with me because of that? I did not want to lose any of them, they are all important friends to me.

No one is replaceable in my life, they are all equally important to me. The thing that I am most afraid of is that Tokiya would one day detest me if I show him my other side too much. I would make sure that he does not see it again after that incident.

Unfortunately, things never do go according to plans. I ended up showing that side of me to him again. A nightmare, one that has been plaguing me for a long time came again. I would always be trapped in this darkness all alone with no one with me and no one to want me. The darkness would shroud me in it, covering all the light away till I cannot even look at myself any more.

This time, it was different. I could see this faint light and someone was calling my name. I struggled and grabbed hold of something warm when the voice that was calling me got louder. When I opened my eyes, Tokiya was looking at me worriedly as he held on my hand that I had grabbed in my dreams.

Closing my eyes again, I moved forward and hugged him tightly. He was quiet as he patted me, waiting for me to speak up. I hesitated for a moment before I told him of the nightmare that I always had, one of darkness covering me and I would be left alone forever.

He had flicked my forehead painfully when I said that. Just as I was pouting and going to complain about the pain, he kissed the spot that he had flicked, the pain disappearing and being replaced with the heat flushing my cheeks.

I flailed at the gesture and nearly fell off if Tokiya did not manage to catch me on time. I managed to spot the smile that he had failed to cover up in time as I pouted again. I moved away from him and assured he that I would be fine and he should go back to sleep.

My lie was easily seen through when he smacked me on the head lightly, an annoyed glare directed to me. What he said next confused me and I could not help asking him about it again. He seemed annoyed that he had to repeat it, and lightly pushed me. "I said scoot to the side. If I leave you alone right now, you're just going to force yourself awake and think about strange things. That would in turn make me unable to sleep as well out of worry for you along with your loud tossing around and the best way would be to sleep with you. You wouldn't have those thoughts of being alone if you have someone next to you."

Blinking, it took me a long time to process his words slowly and for it to sink into my head. It was just hard to believe that someone like Tokiya who values his personal space a lot, even if he allows me to have a small amount of physical contact with him for a short moment, is actually offering to sleep next to me.

Would that not mean that he would have to have a lot of physical contact with me a lot? Before I could even say anything, Tokiya was already scooting away. "I guess you rather be alone. Good night then."

Eh? When did I say that? I pouted and tugged him backwards and clung to him, burying my face onto his back. "Who said that I rather be alone? I was just surprised that you actually suggested such a thing. Why would I turn down your first ever request to have any physical contact with me?"

My pout came back when I heard soft chuckles escaping from his lips. He had obviously said that on purpose to make me embarrass myself. I released him and lightly shove him towards the right and moved more to the left to allow him to scoot into the blankets with me.

Once we had both settled comfortably into the bed, I lunged at him and kept a close grip on him, hugging him tightly. I was afraid that once I close my eyes, the nightmares would come and plague me again.

Sensing my discomfort, Tokiya placed a feather light kiss on my head and placed his arms around me. I shifted closer to him and allowed my eyelids to close; I know that the arms wrapped around me would protect me. That was what it feels like to me, having Tokiya around always put me at ease.

I managed to drift off into a peaceful slumber, waking up to a warm body next to me. Blinking, I rubbed my eyes and looked back into the rain-like orbs staring at me. I was surprised that Tokiya was actually till in bed and waiting for me to get up. "Feeling better now?"

I smiled and nodded my head, embracing him tightly once again and breathing in his soothing scent. "Thanks to you I am. I didn't think you would stay in bed till I wake up though….."

A light punch was given to my back as he spoke. "That's because you were clinging to me like a Koala and I didn't want to risk waking you up by trying to move away from you when you're actually sleeping so peacefully after what happened last night."

My face heated up at that comment, I had no idea that I had kept that death grip on him all the way till now. No wonder I felt really comfortable and warm, I had been hugging him ever since I closed my eyes. I was tempted to question why he had allowed me to hug him even now without looking irritated, but the idea immediately died as I bit my tongue lightly to prevent myself from speaking that outloud. I did not want to disturb the only time he allows me to hug him for a long period of time and risk making it the last.

I hugged him one more time before pulling away reluctantly. I cannot possibly be selfish enough to keep him worried about me and bother him so long. I gave him another smile and assured him that I was alright and he could leave for his shower now.

Patting my head, he got out of my bed and I resisted the urge to seek his warmth again. I wanted to feel the feeling of being cared and worried for again and the peaceful serene feeling that I always get around him when I hug him.

I watched him move over to his side of the room to get a change of clothes and smiled reassuringly at him once I noticed him looking over at me worriedly. I nodded my head and made a shooing gesture with my hand to tell him that it is fine for him to leave.

Once he walked off, I relaxed slowly and my eyes closed shut. I was alright, the nightmare seems to have left me alone for now, but when it will come back again is a mystery. I was once again thankful towards Tokiya for being there for me and I really do own him a lot.

I could never repay him enough now do I? What can I even do for him? Nothing. I cannot even help to cheer him up when he comes back in a bad mood. Not good enough for him to trust and confide his problems to.

I am just living off him and giving him nothing back in return. I am really useless am I not? It hurts to admit that, but I really just give Tokiya more trouble that I am worth. I slapped myself to get the depressing thoughts away from my brain and tried to be more like my usual self.

The smile turned more natural as I distracted myself with thoughts like there not having class today and I could relax all I want. By the time Tokiya came back from the shower, I was already back to my normal self and I greeted him in a cheerful voice.

He seemed relieved that I was ever and hurried me off to change and shower and he would be back with food by the time I come back. I nodded my head and hopped out of bed, grabbing a random set of clothes and my towel.

Like he said, everything was prepared by the time I came back. I blinked and stared at the food that was placed at my side, stunned that he had gotten me a chocolate cake along with some other small cakes. Were they not full of calories that he told me many times I should not consume?

Looking up curiously at him, Tokiya looked away from my gaze and spoke softly that I deserve a treat once in a while and I should take the chance to eat them before he changes his mind and stuff me with healthy sandwiches instead.

I know that he did it to cheer me up and I could not help but grin like a fool when I dig in, savoring the food slowly and letting my tastebuds taste them properly. They were really good, making my cheeks flush lightly in happiness and contentness at the taste.

It has been a while since I had cakes, usually just feeding on curry or snacks or the meals Tokiya picked. Come to think about it, why am I the only one eating this when Tokiya is just having a sandwich?

Frowning at myself for being so distracted at the taste that I had forgotten to thank him, I sliced off a small piece and gently lifted it up towards Tokiya, asking him to open his mouth and eat it. He shook his head and asked me to continue eating it myself. But I was determined to make him eat it.

I reminded him that it was a small slice and the calories in it would not be much, precisely why I made sure to give him a medium-sized bite of cake instead of a huge chunk I rather give him. He opened his mouth in defeat and tried to take the fork away from me.

Ignoring the outstretched hand, I placed it inside his mouth and waited for him to bite it off the fork. His was blushing lightly as he bit it off and I pulled the fork away with a grin. I was not planning on teasing him when I first offered it to him, but now I am glad for it.

It has been a while since I teased him anyway and I made up my mind to do that once we are done with breakfast. Once finished, I tugged him over towards my bed and asked him to sing me a song.

He seemed wary of my intention but does it anyway. I kept my gaze locked on his during the entire song, smiling in glee when I noticed his face colouring slightly. Whenever he looked towards the other side, I made sure to turn in that direction too and the smile turned much brighter.

When Tokiya finished his song, he glared and immediately poked me in my ribs. I flailed around and laughed, begging for his forgiveness for trying to tease him. Tokiya was cheating! He knew how sensitive my sides were and how ticklish I am there.

I pouted and flung myself at him, complaining that he always not let me have any fun in getting a reaction from him without him getting any payback from me. I heard a hiss before he mentioned that I need to stop looking at him with such an innocent and cute expression before he starts attacking.

Huh? What was that suppose to mean? I did not understand what he was trying to say. What is with my expression? Is it not something normal? And what did he mean by attack? I was confused, unconsciously tilting my head to the left and blinked.

"Wh-" My words were cut off when his lips were attached to mine. When did he come this close to me? My eyes were opened wide as I stared back at him, wondering what was going on exactly. He was tracing my teeth and gums, I had not even realize that his tongue had entered my mouth.

I could feel my mouth being thoroughly explored and my cheeks were heating up and I imagine my face to be as red as a tomato about now. When his tongue brushed against mine, I meekly returned the gesture slowly, my eyes closing on their own when they could not take Tokiya's intense stare anymore.

What was I doing, no what were we doing? I have no idea why but the feeling that I am kissing him back just seem to be so natural, like it is the right thing to do? With the passing seconds, my response was not as slow as before. I was getting much bolder and returned back the force he was showing back to him, pouting when I still could not beat him.

I could feel the chuckles from the kiss and I opened my eyes to glare at him. Tokiya seemed really amused and pulled back and I nearly whined at the loss if I did not manage to stop myself on time. The question of why he did that still bugged me and I wanted to ask.

Just when I thought my question was going to be answered, his cellphone rang and the grimaced look on his face made it plain obvious that it was from his secret part-time job. I mouthed to him that it was alright to answer the phone and he nodded at me before stepping away.

When he came back, he was sighing as he apologized that he had to leave. I really wanted to know what that gesture for, but that had to wait. I assured him that I was fine with waiting and he promised that we would talk about it later when he comes back.

Flopping on the bed, the sensation of the kiss still existing in my mouth. I should be questioning myself too. Why did I kiss him back like it was a normal thing to do in the first place? Should I not be bothered that he was a guy? I never thought about such things before and it was all giving me a headache.

Come to think about it, what exactly is my relationship with Tokiya? Ever since the time when he accepted me, I had been hanging around him a lot up to the point that I look forward to the time when we eat.

I like Tokiya, but what kind of like is that? One of dependence? Did I return his kiss just because I feel like I owe him? What does he feel towards me too? All these questions just keep popping out of my head and I have no answers for any of them.

What Tokiya is to me is rather blurry, I know that I like having him around and being around him gives me the feeling that I would be protected and cared for. He makes me feel safe and protected and I could rely on him no matter what.

That makes me afraid, really afraid. What if one day he leaves? Will I still be able to trust him if he ever betrays me one day? The feelings were overwhelming and I could barely even tell what is what any more.

I shut my eyes and tried to think of Tokiya, what do I feel about him? Is he just a friend or something more? I definitely do not think of him as a brother or anything family like and it feels much more than a friend too. The lines of whether it's love or not is rather unclear and I find myself questioning if my suspicion of love is only because he kissed me

I had never kissed anyone before and that might have made me confused to think that I had feelings for him. Somehow, I have a feeling that that isn't it. Sighing, I got out of bed and looked at the time.

Before I know it, an hour had already passed since Tokiya left. I must have been spacing out this whole time with all these thoughts. Making up my mind, I decided to distract myself by going out and buying myself a new set of headphones.

I had some crepes along the way, I could not resist buying some when I saw a stall selling it. It has been a long time since I had one and I immediately purchased a sweet one. The amount of sweets I get to eat was very little and today I was going to spoilt myself a little.

The form of distraction had worked greatly, the thoughts about Tokiya had all faded off and I was just casually enjoying myself as I walked around. There was a crowd gathering nearby and I decided to take a look to see what it was about.

A free concert? Tokiya's twin Hayato was performing, no wonder there was a huge crowd gathering around here. Just my luck that it was already ending. I continued watching though, wondering why the crowd was not clearing away at all. It soon became apparent that there was going to be a greeting with him when he walk around the crowd later.

In fact, I felt like I was being shoved around and it was not a surprise when I ended up falling onto someone. "Are you alright?"

I grabbed the hand stretched towards me and smiled, nodding my head. "Thank you."

"You're bleedin—Otoya…? Why are you here? No the main thing right now is, your arm's bleeding."

That voice, impossible but it sounded just like Tokiya. When my name was mentioned, it just made it much more obvious to me that it really was Tokiya. I looked up and laughed bitterly. So Tokiya was Hayato, it was really clear when he is standing right in front of me with Hayato's get-up.

So that was why he never told me what his job was, he did not think that I was trustworthy enough to know about it. The feeling of betrayal hurt and I snatched my hand away from him, fighting the urge to just breakdown right now in front of him. "I see you didn't trust me enough to tell me about this… I can tell when I'm not important….. There's no need to talk about what happened anymore. I don't want to see you again…just stay away from me…..Tokiya….."

Snatching my hand away from him, I dashed off and ignored the call of my name. I switched off my phone too and just walked around to get back to the dorm. To think that I trusted him enough to tell him about my past and he finds me untrustworthy enough to keep his secret.

It really hurted and the ironic thing was I had figured out what my feelings towards him are. I love him… that is why it hurts so much that I was not trusted or important enough for him to tell me. I feel utterly betrayed, what was I to him? Something to pass time? Someone he treats as a pet? He did mention that I remind him of a puppy really often. That was what it was right? It was probably just a joke when he kissed me too, something that had no feeling in it whatsoever.

The pain in my arm was forgotten easily, it seem to stop bleeding already anyway. That was not important to me currently. My thoughts were all on the other matter, besides the pain is fading off already.

Why was I crying? Even if he did not trust me enough, I still like him. The fact that he had helped me would never change and my feelings for him were not going to fade off just like that too. Why did I decide to join in the crowd? If I did not do that, I could still live in that blissful feeling that I was important for a while more.

That night he really did not come back, my heart ached at that even though I was the one that had told him not to appear before me again. A part of me had hoped that he had at least come back and explain to me why. This just proves how much he thinks of me, I must really be not important to him.

Why, why must I figure out my feelings for him? If I was still oblivious to everything, it would not hurt this much. The tears were threatening to fall again and I just allowed myself to cry again, if I cry long enough maybe the tears would stop falling.

I switched my phone back on and there were many text messages and missed calls from Tokiya. Staring at my phone for a moment, I sighed and looked at the most recent message. I nearly dropped my phone when I read it, immediately scolding myself for not switching it on earlier.

I changed my clothes quickly and just dashed off, not caring that I still had classes later. Tokiya was much more important currently. The person who sent me the most recent text was from his manager to inform me that Tokiya was hospitalized.

It did not say what was wrong with him but he did give me the hospital and room number. No doubt a hospital for rich people, it looked really classy and even the uniforms were really nice. I brushed the unnecessary thought off and focused on locating Tokiya's room.

When I entered the room, a man wearing glasses immediately asked if I was Ittoki Otoya and I nodded my head blankly, staring at the limp and pale body lying on the hospital bed. I stuttered softly, questioning him why Tokiya was lying there.

He sighed and rubbed his temples , directing his attention to me. His facial expression was unreadable and it unnerved me slightly when his stare was solely on me. "Hayato was out of it ever since you ran off, constantly trying to contact you but to no avail. During the rehearsal for his next event, his mind was still on you so much that he didn't even pay attention to where he was going and ended up colliding with one of the repairmen that caused him his current head injury. I don't know who you are to Hayato, but he has been trying really hard to create a place for you. The misunderstandings between you two should be cleared up, Hayato should be regaining conscious soon. Have a good talk with him, tell him I will drop by again tomorrow."

Huh? So it was my fault that Tokiya is lying on this hospital bed right now? And what did he mean that Tokiya has been trying to create a place for me? I gripped his hand tightly once I switched off my phone and hoped that he would be alright.

I would never forgive myself if something happened to him all because I did not give him a chance to explain himself. Why did I run off anyway? Was I that afraid to learn if he really did not find me important? I know that I would not be able to just smile it off when it really does happen since he is really important to me.

I brushed my fingers through his hair with my other hand and whispered a soft apology to him and I wished that he would wake up soon. His manager did say that Tokiya would be waking up soon, but he did not even look like he was going to stir awake any time soon.

The hand I was gripping was moving and I muttered a soft Tokiya to see if he really was awake. When I heard my name being called out in a soft voice, I immediately assured him that I was here and tightened the hold on his hand.

Tokiya opened his eyes slowly and smiled, it was a really sad one. The tears started flowing down, the pain when I saw his sad smile hurts. This was all my fault, I do not even deserve to be near him. I tried to wriggle my hand away from him but he was gasping it really tightly. His eyes were desperately seeking for mine and whatever restraint I had left after seeing those eyes faded off once he struggled to sit up.

"Otoya." The urge to hug him was hard to fight off when the desperate tone was clearly heard. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to give in and hug him tightly. "Tokiya. Tokiya. Tokiya."

I chanted his name again and again, feeling his arms wrapped around me and I leaned into his touch. A soft pressure was placed on my head before he started speaking. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to keep it from you. I was…..afraid of what you would think of me when you find out that I pretended to be a younger twin brother of a person that I created. I was going to tell you once I got everything settled for you to come in….."

"Huh? What did you mean by setting things for me?" His manager mentioned that earlier to me too. Exactly what was that suppose to mean? I moved away from his arms and looked up, smiling as I played with his fringe. "If you could accept me for who I am, why would I judge you?"

Tokiya returned my smile and I blushed, it was the first time that I had ever seen him ever give me a real smile. He really should smile more, it really suits him. "Before we talk about that…there's something I want to tell you. Remember the kiss that we were supposed to talk about? I never did have the chance to tell you, but the reason why I did it was because-"

He tilted my head up and he locked his gaze with mine, causing my face to heat up even more. "You can doubt me or…..even be disgusted as well….. but I love you. At first, I was only interested in your songs but your personality put me off a little when you're always happy. Ever since that day that I got to see the other side of you, it made me want to protect you."

My face must be as red as a tomato by now. The more he continued, the warmer my cheeks felt. Disgusted? Why should I be when I like him too? The words were hard to say out and I simply leaned up and hesitated for a moment before I closed my eyes and kissed him.

It felt terribly awkward and embarrassing but that was the best way to express my feelings to him. He kissed me back and that put me a lot more at ease when the negative feelings all died away as the seconds went by.

He was the first to pull back and I was pulled into a hug instantly once we separated. "Would you be willing to quit the academy and be my partner instead? I have been trying to persuade my agency to let me start a group with you and specialise in duets and other pairs entertainment. That was why there was a free concert earlier, to see if my singing would be sellable. I was planning to tell you about my secret once I got it settled, not keep you in the dark forever. So…do you want to?"

Do I want to? Does he even have to ask? Of course I do. I grinned and embraced him tightly, nodding my head as I said yes over and over again. This means that I still get to keep Tokiya with me forever right? I do not have to worry about having to part with him like when graduation comes anymore.

If I could help it, I would want to be with Tokiya forever. He is the only person that I want to be around more than anything, no one else would be able to replace him nor the happiness that he gives me simply by being with me. He has grown to be really, really important to me. Far more than I like to admit.

By the time Tokiya discharged, the papers to withdraw out of Saotome had been finished. It was hard to bid goodbye with everyone, but I know that we would be able to see each other again once they graduate. I have their numbers too anyway.

While he was still in the hospital, his manager has brought me to see his the head of his agency. I was being tested in all sort of stuff and my singing seemed to be good enough for the people he got to judge me. The real thing would be when Tokiya and I sing together, that would be the last part to see if they would accept me or not.

That day came faster than expected and I felt terribly nervous that the fate of whether we will be able to debut as a pair all depends on this. Before we set out, Tokiya ensured that I would be fine being my usual self. Making me blush when he stole a kiss before he tugged me out.

During the trial, my nervousness faded away once Tokiya started singing, losing myself to the song it was finished by the time my mind came back. The applauds heard made it apparent that we were accepted. Tokiya held up my hand and we both bowed, a smile adorning both of our faces. His manager was being assigned to be both of ours and that pleased Tokiya that he did not have to have another manager to replace his old one.

Ever since we started going out after that, Tokiya was smiling more and more each day. The smiles were mostly directed to me and our manager told me that he only smiles when I am around. That made me happy that I was the one that makes Tokiya smile as well as how much relaxed he looks now.

He still takes care of me like before, actually even more now. His habits are going to take some time to get used to and I am determined to make sure I do. I did not really mind his actions anyway and I really do like having him around with me.

Our relationship would no doubt have to be a secret from everyone, but that is fine. We are a pair, and the agency had agreed that we would only do jobs that required the both of us instead of just one of us. It really was fun and enjoyable to do it with him, it makes me really happy whenever we sing together.

It proves that hoping never hurts does it not? Deep down in my heart, I have always been looking for someone to accept me for what I am, not just the bright and always smiling version of me. I know that I must be really lucky to have someone like Tokiya and I will never give him up for the world.

Even if our relationship has to be forever in wraps, I still treasure it a lot. As long as I get to be with me, it's fine even if I have the whole world as an enemy. All I want is to have him with me forever, nothing more.

He would not despise me, that is for sure. Tokiya gets jealous really easily and it is really hard for him to voice out his emotions out. I learnt that I have to read his expressions and actions to learn what he is actually feeling as well as the fact he has some weird habit of ensuring that he kisses me at least a few times a day.

Everyone would have a chance to be happy, you just have to learn how to grasp it. The door opened and I stood up excitedly, immediately tackling him. "Tokiya~!" My life is now perfect.


End file.
